Welcome to my nightmare, with all due respect and sincerest apologies to Alice Cooper

It has recently occurred to me that thoughts are a lot like crap.  You take in information all the time, much like food.  Your brain processes this information and uses it to create memories, reactions to various stimuli, etc.  The random thoughts and other leftover junk, which for the sake of decorum we will refer to as "brain droppings" (credit George Carlin for that one), are the cast-off thoughts that run around unchecked in your head, increasing in number as more information is processed, refined, and discarded by the brain, until critical mass is reached and the brain gives the order to evacuate.  This is called "forgetting", or as I usually refer to it, "where the hell did i leave the kids?"

Forget decorum.  Might as well call it what it is.  Brain Shit.

However, in every brain dump, there are a few little nuggets that sneak through the system without being used.  Kind of like corn.  Mostly whole, and still slightly useful if it could be separated from the rest of the shit and cleaned up a little.

Maybe I should have titled this "Brain Corn".  That would have been awesome.

Disclaimer:
These are my thoughts.  I am willing to let you look at them but they are still my thoughts.  Even if, as previously stated, I compare them to a bowel evacuation.  I can still retain ownership of a turd if I can find a place to store it that won't eventually get me shot by the neighbors.  On second thought, the neighbors can buy a vanilla scented air freshener and deal with it.
What awaits you on the journey ahead, if you choose to follow along, is not for everyone.  You may enjoy parts of it, but rest assured, you will eventually be offended by something you read here. 

I don't care.

I repeat:  I DON'T CARE.

On second thought, I apologize in advance to my mother and my pastor.  Other than that, I don't care.

Save your hate mail.  I don't write this for you; I write it for ME, and therefore not one single solitary fuck will be given about whether you like it or not.  It's not like the Mafia; you can get off the train at any time of your choosing.  I might even slow down so you don't break your neck when you jump.  See the red "X" in the top right corner?  That is the "get me away from this crazy asshole" button.  Just click it if you can't hang.  No hard feelings here.

For those who have the intestinal fortitude to stick with it, you will probably be insane at the end of the ride.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  But crazy can be fun, because the people in the white coats give us all the crayons we can eat.  Bon Appetitty.

OK, time for a public service announcement

When you are told by law enforcement to turn around and place your hands behind your head because you are being placed under arrest, say "Yes sir" and comply. 

To do otherwise is resisting arrest.

They don't want to hear about how innocent you are, nor should they. You are guaranteed a trial by a jury of your peers, not a trial by cop. At your jury trial, upon preponderance of evidence, your guilt or innocence will be decided by them.

It is not the cop's place to let you go because you said you didn't do it.

It is his job to place you in custody until you prove you didn't.

He WILL do his job. If you fight, you will be subdued. If you continue to resist, you will get hurt.

A man died on a sidewalk in New York after being taken down and subdued to be placed under arrest.
For selling cigarettes. CIGARETTES.

Am I in disbelief because he was being arrested for such a petty thing?  Kind of, but it is against the law. 

I am in utter disbelief because he lost his life for such a petty thing.

This is a tragic occurrence. It is even more tragic because it was not necessary.

It was not necessary for him to be subdued. It is never necessary to subdue anyone during an arrest, until the party being arrested MAKES it necessary.

Imagine you are a police officer. Would you rather handcuff someone and walk them to the car or wrestle them to the ground? DUH.

He made the decision to escalate the situation by resisting.

A cop will never decide to just let you go because you don't want to be arrested. It is not an option.

He didn't die because he was black.

He didn't even die because he was committing a crime.

He died because he resisted arrest.

Did the cop intend to kill him? Highly doubtful. No cop wants to put himself, his family, or his department through that trauma. But even if you are being arrested by a horribly unstable individual who has no business wearing a badge, and who is thinking to himself, "If this guy gives me any shit, I'm gonna kill him", how can you avoid dying?

Simple. Say "Yes sir" and comply with the officer's requests.

You will get your day in court.

Is it inconvenient to be arrested? Decidedly.

It is a lot more inconvenient to be dead or injured because YOU escalated things to the point where the officer had to use force.

Even if you think it is completely unfair and you are being targeted because of your race or your clothes or your appearance or whatever... 

SAY "YES SIR" and comply.

Because when a cop tells you that you are under arrest, he is GOING to arrest you. You can't choose what's behind door number two at that point. You are going to jail. If you shut your mouth and comply, things will be comparatively easy for you. Resist, and bad goes to worse in a hurry.

"I fight authority, authority always wins" - John Mellencamp

The timeline of the Michael Brown saga in 7 easy-to-grasp terms - Theft, assault, self-defense, race-baiting, acquittal, rioting and looting.

Not descriptive enough?  How about we add "aggravated thuggery", "stupid life-ending decision", or just "complete fucktardedness"?

But please, can we stop with the "he was high on marijuana" bullshit?  Really, fellow conservatives, it's just making you look stupid.

Michael Brown's autopsy confirmed that there was marijuana in his system at the time of his death. People are bringing this up like it proves he was a lawless thug. It doesn't. I know quite a few people (but we they shall remain nameless) who might have partaken in a little herb at one point or another, long ago in a galaxy far far away.  As a general rule, they are good law-abiding folk.  They were good most-laws-abiding folk when they were getting high every damn day.  

And happy.  Let's not forget perpetually happy.  

In my experience (which is purely anecdotal, mind you), it is pretty hard to get excited about anything but a snack and a nap after getting smoked up. Violence is not on the list at all. Therefore - how much of a violent thug do you have to be to attack ANYONE while you are stoned, especially a cop?

Here is a fictional but not entirely unlikely retelling of the same scenario, featuring a normal, everyday stoner:

Officer Wilson:  "Stop right there!"

Normal E. Stoner:  "What's up, officer?"

"Where did you get those cigars?"

"Hahaha, your badge is all shiny. What was the question?"

"I said, where did you get those cigars?"

>Looking at cigars< "WHOAAAAA. Dude, I don't remember."

"We had a report of a guy fitting your description who stole cigars from a store a few minutes ago."

"I have a Snickers in my pocket. Want a bite?"

"No, I want you to come downtown with me while we sort this cigar thing out."

"Can I get something to drink first? I got wicked cottonmouth."

"We can get you a drink at the station."

"COOL!! I call shotgun!"

"You can't ride shotgun, get in the back."

"Will you sound the siren? That would be cool."

"Sure, whatever." >Opens door<

"HAHAHA if you had a hat you would be like a limo driver! Can we pick up some of my friends on the way?"

"Absolutely. Where are they?"

"At this store a couple blocks over... hey, they have cigars there. Can we get some?"


Point being, if you get into a violent confrontation after smoking a little reefer, what kind of thug were you BEFORE?  The weed ain't the evil one here.  This one was all on Michael Brown, and the parents who raised a criminal with no respect for authority.  Trying to beat the shit out of a cop is suicide, especially when you are roughly the size of a Sherman tank, and he is sitting down when you attack.  You didn't leave him any other option than his gun.  Even if you are right and he is wrong, HE HAS THE FUCKING GUN, STUPID.

I feel for his family.  I really do.  It is not natural for a parent to bury a child, and I cannot imagine the pain I would feel if I lost one of my kids. But - stay with me here - they need to realize that they are at least partially and more likely mostly to blame for his death.

Oh, yes, I DID just say that.  Read it again if you're not sure.

And they prove it at every interview, every time they open their mouths.  "There's no way my son would ever do that!  Evil, racist cop! He gunned him down just because he was black!  MURDERER!!"

That's bullshit, folks, and the grand jury heard that it was bullshit from a LOT of witnesses. They also had this really cool stuff called evidence that said it was bullshit.  You know, autopsy report, photographs, that sort of thing.

But the fact that they keep screaming to the rooftops that their son bears absolutely no accountability at all in the whole incident - and it has been proven by physical evidence that he WAS in fact attacking a law enforcement officer through the window of his patrol car - can mean only one thing:

Michael Brown was raised to believe that he did not have to be accountable for his actions.

Parents: you taught him that.  You prove that you taught him that every time you open your mouth on TV.  You need to go home and mourn the loss of your son, and stop all the foolishness, because;

Michael Brown was an asshat who signed his own death warrant.  And you raised him to be one.  End of story.

If you don't want to get shot by a cop, then do what he tells you, dumbass.  Please refer to Chris Rock's awesome video, "How to not get your ass kicked by the cops".  If you are right and he is wrong, get a lawyer and fight him in court.  But then again, how can you expect a logical decision from someone whose "supporters" (read: people who identify with him so they can get attention and/or free shit), in the name of "justice for a black man", are destroying businesses owned and/or frequented by the black community?

Really?  I'd love to see this CNN interview...

"Yep, the Dollar Tree in Ferguson is responsible for Michael Brown's death, power to the people, and look at all this free shit I got now.  Burned down that ho's cupcake shop too, cause her cupcakes gave me the gout this one time.  Glad you had this idea, Revrund Al.  Where we looting next week?  My house? Great, I won't have to carry that bigass TV anywhere, it's already there.  Damn near broke my back gettin that out the Best Buy."

Way to beat that ghetto stereotype.  Nobody will ever accuse these people of being less than geniuses ever again, now will they?

This is the level of intelligence we are dealing with here, like it or not.  It's a tough reality for intelligent people to face, but yes, there are people this fucking stupid out there.  And it ain't a black thing - they come in all colors, races, makes, models,shapes, and sizes.  It's just that the black ones happen to be in the spotlight right now. Fear not, there are survivalist camps full of Neo-Nazi crackers with a collective IQ of less than an acceptable SAT score just a-waiting in line to get their 15 minutes of fame. Just as stupid, just as racist, and just as self-destructive as the rioters in Ferguson. The freakshow never ends.

And yes, I did say that.  The rioters in Ferguson are fucking racists.  Think I'm wrong?  Watch some interviews.  "Racist" doesn't only mean thinking that another race is beneath you.  It also means thinking that yours is above another.  Those sound like the same thing, but in reality, they are very different. I will explain:

Years ago, most white people thought black people were beneath them.  (Some still do today, but I'm not talking about them.  Fuck 'em.)  They felt that "niggers" were not quite as far evolved as they were, and therefore they could be owned like animals.  That shit is not right.  No human should ever be the owner of another human.  That shit is racist.

Today, many (it seems like most, but in reality, it's just a very loudmouthed many) black people think they are above every other race.  They feel that "whatever derogatory term you want to insert here for white people" owe them because "your ancestors fucked over my ancestors", to paraphrase.  They honestly feel like they deserve special treatment above all other races of people, because no other race of people has ever been enslaved.  
Except the Jews, by the Eqyptians.
And the Christians, by the Muslims.
For that matter, Muslims, by Muslims.
How about every damn group of people the Spanish came across in the New World?
Come to think of it, slavery was big in the Roman Empire too.  Captured soldiers and other "human spoils of war".  A lot of them were captured in Europe and the Mediterranean (read: other white people).
Also, indentured servitude was hugely popular around the same time as slavery was getting started in the New World.  A debtor in an English debtor's prison would have his debt purchased by a landowner in America, in exchange for years of servitude working as a farm laborer for no wages. That's called being sold into slavery. Some people also used this as a way to pay for passage to America. That's called selling yourself into slavery. 

You're not the only ones.  Sorry to bust your bubble.  Get the fuck over it, because guess what? 

That shit is not right.

Thinking that your race is more special than another, for any reason, is GODDAMN RACISM!

Not one black person alive in America today was ever the legal property of a white person. Not one. Stop blaming Whitey and do for your damn self.  Don't be a "proud black man", because then you'll be pissed if I call myself a "proud white man".

Just be a fucking MAN and leave it at that.  Take care of your family, work hard, set a good example for your kids, do what God put us men on the Earth to do.  You're a man, I'm a man, lets go have a drink and talk football.

Racism will never end until it is no longer an excuse.  Suck on that, Jesse and Al.

To my black friends, you know I love you.  The reason I love you is because you are past all the stupid shit.  If you weren't, we wouldn't be friends (refer to "stupid people" in a previous post). If you're mad at me right now, then I was wrong about you.  Fuck off.  I'm not going to try to appease you.  When you get past the stupid shit and want to just be two human beings hanging out and being friends, I will be here.

When that day comes... Winner - 'Merica. 

Random nuggets of Brain Corn

I’m a dog person, but my top 2 choices for the 2016 election are Bill the Cat and Grumpy Cat.  As long as Scooby-Doo gets to be VP.  Just to balance things out.  Maybe Barney the Scottish Terrier would be a better choice.  He’s lived in the White House already.  Experience matters.

Westboro Baptist Church is the Christian version of Al-Qaeda.  Crazy assholes who can’t understand what the Book says.  I’m all for re-baptizing them by waterboard.

Pro-choice activists’ fuzzy logic puzzles me.  It goes something like this – “I’m so grateful that my mother didn’t kill me as a fetus, so that I can go out into the world and spread the word that women should have the right to kill their children”.  You’re shitting me, right?

Bring back Calvin and Hobbes.

Ever notice how ugly couples seem to have great-looking kids?  I think that when an ugly woman goes to the hospital to have a baby, the pediatric nurses take her to the nursery and give her pick of the litter out of pity.  For the record, the Clintons chose poorly.  Chelsea looks like a bowling shoe.  If Arkansians Arkansawyers Arkansasites fuck it people from Arkansas can’t do any better with a pick than that, it’s a damn good thing Little Rock doesn’t have any pro sports teams.

Whenever I go to Taco Bell and I’m in the mood for 3 tacos, I always ask for a quarter dozen.  Hilarity generally ensues.

In 1978, 907 people drank the Kool-Aid at Jonestown, Guyana.  30 years later, over 50% of America did the same thing. I think I’ll just have a beer.

Every day, I set a new personal-best record for most consecutive days spent alive.

When “Beavis and Butt-head” was on TV, I thought it was hilarious.  Now that I see it in real life everywhere I look… not so much.

Have you ever heard anyone say something so astoundingly retarded that you want to applaud and congratulate them?  Not for what they said, but for being THAT stupid and still able to successfully find their way out of bed that day?  No?  Watch “The View”.

Fuck PETA.  If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat.

Want to see what the inside of a can of worms looks like? Read on....

Maybe I’m wrong, but here’s how I see it.

Let's say, just for the sake of the argument I'm about to start, that:

1.  I make a conscious decision which indirectly causes you to become a part of my life, and I will not be able to end our relationship for approximately 8 months;

2.  You, as a result of my conscious decision, become a part of my life, thereby causing me embarrassment in my community;

3.  You, as a result of my conscious decision, become a part of my life, and will disrupt my plans or career for the duration of our relationship;

4.  You, as a result of my conscious decision, become a part of my life, and will depend on me completely for your survival for the duration of our relationship, but this will inconvenience me;

5.  You, as a result of my conscious decision, become a part of my life, and will require me to tell my friends and family about our relationship, as I cannot keep it a secret indefinitely, and I fear that they may not approve of you;

6.  You, as a result of my conscious decision, become a part of my life, but I am just too busy/embarrassed/career oriented/young/ (insert any other excuse here, no matter how lame) to deal with you, even for the short duration of our relationship;

If any (or how about all) of these things happen, even though our forced relationship is the result of my own conscious decision and I was fully aware that this relationship was a possible effect of that decision, then I should be able to walk up to you, put a bullet between your eyes, and walk away with absolutely no repercussions of any kind.

The reason I can’t legally do this is simple. 

You, as a human being, have a right to life that I cannot take away unless you pose a direct physical threat to me or someone else.  To do so is defined as “murder”.

Murder is legally and morally wrong.

Regardless of your political views or your religious views, we as a society generally agree on one thing:  Murder is legally and morally wrong.

You cannot legally kill another human being unless it is self-defense.  Period.

Unless that human being has not yet been born.  Then it’s OK, right?

Right?

>crickets<

Yeah, I thought so. 

How about this:  If you believe that it is a woman’s right to kill her child, then it is my right to kill you.

No?  Why?

Because murder is legally and morally wrong.  No matter who it is.

Things that bug the piss out of me, Vol. 3

The Michael Sam/Jason Collins thing.  Why in the HELL do some people think that being gay/lesbian/whatever means that you are required to turn into the “look at me, I’m gay, pay attention to me” poster child?  Let me clue you in on something… nobody with a life of their own cares.  Not even a little.  It is your business.  Don’t make it mine.  Just like me, your business is between you and God.  You are a sinner; so am I.  I don't hate you because your sins are different from my sins. I will not judge you, nor will I condemn you. You are either a basically good person or you aren’t, and frankly, that is all I really care about.  

Unless you’re a douchebag.  Nobody likes douchebags.

Let me tell you about Michael Sam, college athlete.  His college stats weren’t even good enough for a pro team’s practice squad.  But Michael Sam, gay athlete?  Drafted!  Attention LGBT community: he cares nothing about you.  He wanted to get drafted, and he knew he didn’t have the numbers.  Ditto the St. Louis Rams.  They wanted the good publicity. 

Enter gay pride.  You have been used. 

Here is a prime example of everything that pisses me off about this topic.  It is a comment I read on a Michael Sam spoof article on the Daily Currant.  For those of you who are not familiar with the Daily Currant, it is a satire website.  The article was about a Texas Longhorn softball player who “came out” as heterosexual, and it was HILARIOUS.

The comment in question, copied verbatim:

“Most people assume that other people are heterosexual until proven otherwise, so for us lesbians who look femme enough to pass as straight, it's important to come out and assert our sexuality to avoid awkwardness when people ask "so, do you have a boyfriend?" or other random remarks that only a straight girl could answer. This article points out heterosexual privilege; heterosexuals do not have to think about their sexuality in the way that homosexuals do. I constantly have to worry about which person is safe to disclose my sexuality to.”

Where to begin?  So much idiocy, so little time.

If you’re even mildly attractive, guys you just met will ask if you have a boyfriend.  If you’re not, they won’t.  If the guy you just met is past his 8^th drink, replace “mildly attractive” with “breathing”.  Past the 15th^th drink?  “Dead, but still reasonably warm and somewhat flexible”.  Drunk guys are adaptable.

Let me spell it out for you in smoke signals, Dances-With-Other-Girls.  I will use small words and simple sentence structure, because I want you to keep up.  Never mind, I don’t roll like that.  Use Bing to help explain the hard stuff.  Or ask your mom (assuming it was safe to disclose your sexuality to your mom, that is.  Wouldn’t want any awkwardness). 

Ready?  Here we go.

If someone knows you, they know that you are a lesbian.  Therefore, they know you don’t have a boyfriend, and they don't ask.  If they don’t know you, then they don’t know if you are straight, lesbian, transgender, polygamous, polyamorous, polyunsaturated, or get off by dressing up as Adolf Hitler and bashing yourself in the head with a cricket bat (hey, you never know).  So let me ask you a very simple question…

HOW IN THE HELL DOES “COMING OUT” AND “ASSERTING YOUR SEXUALITY” – WHICH HAPPENS WITH YOUR FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES, AND FAMILY - MAKE YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION PLAIN ENOUGH TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW YOU THAT THEY DO NOT ASK IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?   Short of tattooing “LESBIAN” on your forehead, I can’t think of a single thing that you can do to keep men from hitting on you, or keep women who are trying to make small talk from asking if you have a boyfriend.  Come to think of it, I know a few guys who would overlook the tattoo and try anyway.  I’m pretty sure that at least a fair percentage of the women would get the message.  Generally speaking, women are highly intuitive about things that are spelled out in prominent tattoos, provided that you choose an ink that is in your color wheel.  If it doesn’t complement your eye color and skin tone, they won’t even read it.

And the next mind-numbingly retarded thing from this total waste of protoplasm that I must address:

If it was so “important to come out and assert our sexuality”, then why do you “constantly have to worry about which person is safe to disclose my sexuality to”?

“Out”. 

You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.  (You read that in Inigo Montoya’s voice, didn’t you?  I hope so, because I typed it in Inigo Montoya’s voice.)

Since you can’t make up your mind whether you are proud to be a lesbian or afraid that people will find out you are a lesbian, it sounds like you are permanently assigned to the closet, Einstein. 

Hand me the green golf shirt on your left. Tee time waits for no man.

Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if you were just a woman who was attracted to other women, and considered it to be a personal thing between you and the women you are attracted to? 

Just for the record, I am NOT bashing this woman because she is a lesbian.  I am bashing this woman because, given the stupidity of this comment, I am amazed that she remembers to breathe on a regular basis.  I don’t hate people for such petty reasons as who they like to sleep with… in fact, I can think of a lot of people who could count on me for anything up to and including disposal of a body – hereinafter referred to as “friends” - and a large number of them are NOT straight white males. This list includes representatives of every group that the PC left assumes I automatically hate because I am a straight, white, Christian male.  Every single group.  Gay, lesbian, bisexual, atheist, black, hispanic, Hindu, and many more, plus varying combinations of the aforementioned descriptors.  Hell, I even have friends who are LIBERALS!  I don’t count these people as friends because of the lifestyle choices they made, or their religion, or their ethnic background, or their politics… they are my friends because I love them for the people they are.  I’m not talking Facebook friends, either.  I’m talking about grew-up-in-a-town-of-3000-people friends.  Had-my-back-when-I-needed-them friends. Made-sure-I-was-there-when-they-needed-me friends.  Some of them I have known my entire life.  Some I met after I left home and went out into the world.  We may not talk every day, or every week – in fact, some of them I haven’t talked to in years.  That’s OK, they know I am there for them if needed and I know the same of them.  That’s friendship.

Not one of my gay friends has ever sat me down and told me that they were gay.  They could have; it wouldn't have bothered me a bit.  But they didn’t need to, for their benefit or mine.  Learn from that.  Friends don’t mind, and the rest don’t matter.

If your insatiable appetite for attention dictates that you must keep insisting to the entire world that you are different, please stop bitching about the entire world treating you like you are different.  It just fucks things up for those who are proud to be different and don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks; no attention required. 

LEARN FROM THESE PEOPLE.  THEY HAVE IT FIGURED OUT.

I just realized something.  I can’t think of a single stupid person among my friends.  I guess I’m a bigot after all.

Things that bug the piss out of me, in no particular order: version 2.87.918.3

When i say in no particular order, I mean it.

Minimum wage.  Workers at fast-food franchises are picketing and threatening to strike if minimum wage is not increased to $15 /hr.

Class, can you say “grossly inflated sense of self-worth”?  How about “delusions of grandeur”?

Many of our veterans never made the equivalent of $15 an hour while serving our country... and I’m not talking about serving it a fucking cheeseburger, either.  Sorry, your skill with a spatula does not trump a tour of duty in Iraq.  Not even if your fries come out crispy on the outside and soft on the inside every time.

You know, if the UAW went on strike, I wouldn’t be able to buy a vehicle to get me back and forth to my job (by the way, if I decide I’m not being paid enough at my job, I will go find a better one and then quit the old one, in that order.  More on that later).  If the truckers go on strike, delivery of goods and services will shut down. ALL goods and services. Just two examples of labor strikes that would actually affect me in a negative way. 

If fast food workers go on strike, oh, whatever shall I do?

I’ll tell you what I’ll do.  I’ll go home and cook.  A fast-food strike will inconvenience America only slightly more than a pro sports strike.

You are struggling on minimum wage because you are trying to pay rent as an adult with a job that you should have been doing when you were in high school or college.  That job was not created to pay you a living wage, because the owner cannot afford to pay skilled wages for unskilled labor and still sell his product at a competitive price.  It was created to give a kid spending money and work experience while he still lives with mom and dad, or a retired mailman a chance to get out of the house for a few hours so his wife will quit bitching at him.  Anyone between 20 and 65 years old who works at a fast food restaurant should be in management or management training so they can make a career of it.  If, after 2 years on the job, you are still washing lettuce for $7.25/hr, here are a few things that MIGHT be part of the reason:

The “THUG LIFE” tattoo on your neck. 

The 17 inches of underwear between your pants and shirt.

The 12 lb. barbell in your tongue preventing you from speaking coherent English.

The fact that you are taking someone’s order while sending a text message, and probably fucking both up… but the text message gets corrected.  The paying customer’s order?  Yeah, not so much.

The fact that when you push a wrong button on the cash register, you need a manager to come over and explain to you that the change from a $5 bill on a $4.82 purchase is 18 cents.  You can’t figure that out on your own?  I know you at least got through the fourth grade, which is where you should have achieved that level of math competency.

The fact that 5 people are standing in line at your register, while you and a co-worker are having a loud conversation  behind the counter that has neither jack nor shit to do with taking their order, serving anyone, or for that matter, anything to do with the restaurant in general.

I have experienced each of these scenarios in fast-food restaurants.  I shit you not.

 Managers and business owners see this.  They do not want to take a chance on putting you in a position to train or supervise others.  You WILL NOT advance unless something drastic changes within you.  They will tolerate you just long enough to replace you.  When a manager sees potential, work ethic, and PRIDE in an employee… that employee is rewarded financially.  It is Business 101.  You don’t have to be satisfied with your minimum wage paycheck, but you bear the brunt of the responsibility for changing the situation. 

People don’t eat fast food because it is wonderful cuisine; people eat it because it is cheap and fast.  It is cheap and fast because the restaurant keeps prices low by keeping overhead costs low.  That includes payroll.  So when, to offset the overhead cost increase brought on by a 107% (yes, I did the math) payroll increase, a sack of tacos has gone up in price from $8 to $37 and you don’t even get free salsa with that shit, guess what?  

I will go home and cook. 

So will a lot of other people. We are going to be sitting at home eating spaghetti that costs about 5 bucks and takes 15 minutes to cook. I don’t have to pay ten bucks for a Big Mac.   You now have NO job, minimum wage or otherwise, because if the restaurant doesn’t sell food, it doesn’t make money.  If it doesn’t make money, it cannot afford to keep paying you.

Had you not skipped economics class in high school, you would have learned this.

The first “real” job I ever had was bagging groceries for $4.25 an hour, at age 16.  Gas money.

Just a few of the ways I have made a living between then and now:

Detailing cars, washing cowshit from livestock trucks, driving those same livestock trucks and just about every other kind of truck you can think of, working on a ranch, moving houses (not households, as in furniture and shit. HOUSES, as in jack up an entire house, put it on a truck, and move it to another location), mowing lawns, cutting firewood, mechanic’s helper, fixing flat truck tires, operating heavy equipment, farming, and general day labor.

All physically demanding, all mentally draining, and mostly low-paying.  I was always willing to start at the bottom and do the best job I could possibly do, because someone was paying me to do it.  I started at the bottom in the oil and gas industry, found that I enjoyed the job and had an aptitude for it, and worked my way up to management level.  That's how a job becomes a career.  Not to say that I didn’t have some blessings along the way - excellent mentors, luck, and a positive attitude all played a big part.  I have even been told that I am a fairly intelligent guy, and I’m sure that helped.  But the one biggest reason I moved up and became a valued and well-compensated employee is simply this:  I worked my ass off every day.  I have never cheated my employer out of a dime; I made sure they got their money’s worth out of me every day, and most days they got a little more.  Eventually, I reached a level where I make a living with my mind and not my back (mostly) and sometimes I actually feel like I didn’t earn my paycheck.  Must be that damn work ethic acting up.

Before anyone can point out that I had a head start being born white and male, let me say one thing… some of my peers are minorities, some are women, some have prison records, some dropped out of school, some were teenage parents, some are recovering drug addicts, some are complete dumbasses, and a great percentage are combinations thereof.  What matters is simply this:  WORK YOUR ASS OFF. Prove that you want to be an asset to the business, not an expense.  Do more than they pay you to do.  A good company will reward that drive with promotions and pay increases.  If you don’t work for a good company that rewards initiative and ambition, fear not.  They are out there, in every single industry.  Don’t be afraid to find them.  They are waiting for someone like you.

One last thing… I do not have a degree of any kind.  No college, no trade school, nothing.  I make a very comfortable living purely from on-the-job and employer-provided training.  I mention this because it is important, in the sense that my employer has invested thousands and thousands of dollars in the skill set that I possess… a skill set that is very much in demand by other companies in our industry.  They know that if they do not treat me well, or compensate me fairly, I will be able to use that skill set to find a position with a competitor.  Just as I know that if I do not do my job to the best of my abilities, or negatively impact the company’s business, then I will be encouraged to go be a liability on another company’s balance sheet. This, again, is Business 101.  Take care of those employees who take care of the company, and cut the dead weight.

Even in the fast food industry.  Business is business is business.

If you are an asset, your employer will recognize that and compensate you for it.  If they don’t, take your skills and work ethic to another employer, and be an asset to them.  If the government has to force your employer to pay you more, you are dead weight.

Dead weight has absolutely zero bargaining power.  Looks like a lot of people are about to learn that the hard way.

Petition to the world. Have a heart, people. Help em out.



PETITION 

Point of Sale

Parents Over Shoulder

Program of Study

Proof of Service

Probability of Success

Probability of Survival

Proof of Shipment

Plane of Symmetry

Plasma Opening Switch

Purchase Order Specification

Positive

Pre-Operational Support

Physician Order Sheet

Port of Seattle

Primary Operating System

Position of Strength

Part of Speech

Process Override Switch

Position

Polar Orbiting Satellite

Port of Spain, Trinidad

We, the above signed words and phrases, petition the world to please stop referring to Barack Obama as a “POS”, as it is a serious affront to our dignity.  Piece of Shit would have signed this petition, but has already committed suicide from shame.  kthxbye

Things that bug the piss out of me, in no particular order: Vol.1

 People who insist that “Ranch dressing makes everything better”.  People actually say this.  If you are one of them, please do the world a favor and go eat ranch on rat poison.  With your head in the oven.  And the gas knob on “lite”.  While smoking.

Before you get all huffy with me and dismiss me as a ranch hater, let me clarify; At 9 out of 10 meals, I have a large bottle of Hidden Valley ranch dressing within easy reach.  I believe that the person who invented Hidden Valley Ranch dressing has a permanent seat reserved directly between God and Jesus, and that they are all chowing down on various foods slathered liberally with his awesome creation while watching endless Roger Staubach highlight reels, for the rest of eternity.  It is that good.  It does not, however, make EVERYTHING better. 

A short, nowhere near all-encompassing list of things NOT improved by ranch dressing:

Twizzlers

Chocolate cake.  Actually, I can think of many kinds of cake, but I am certainly not industrious enough to list them all, so chocolate it is. (Notice how I didn’t just say “cake”?  Here’s why.  Nothing – and I do mean nothing – could possibly be added to a rice cake that would not improve the flavor.  I have thought this out, and considered ranch, hot sauce, A-1 steak sauce, grape jelly, KY jelly, arsenic, cat urine… I can’t think of a single thing that would not improve the taste of the blandest, most unappealing food item ever invented.  If you can think of something that would not make a rice cake taste better, you win the prize.)

Dog food.  My dog hates her dog food, and will wait until the point of near-starvation to eat it; I added ranch.  She still wouldn’t eat it.  Being the thorough researcher that I am, I couldn’t take the dog’s actions at face value.  What if she just wasn’t hungry at the time, but was thinking, “That is the absolute most delectable thing I have ever smelled, but my stomach has shrunk to the size of a pea due to my hunger strike, so I will be back to eat this very soon when I am hungry or have just licked my butt and need to get the taste out of my mouth”?  This took my thoughts in a totally new direction, and I applied ranch to the dog’s butt.  She did NOT lick the ranch from her butt; she just looked at me like I had grown two extra heads, which leads me to believe that the dog has no appreciation for my dedication to research.  After bathing the dog, to show my appreciation for her efforts in assisting with my research, I added

Dog butt

to the list.  I felt like I owed it to her.  She hates baths.

Be honest…when I said I couldn’t take the dog’s actions at face value, you thought I was going to say I tried ranch on dog food, didn’t you?

The dog was, apparently, passing judgment on the ranch after all.  Dog food is equally nasty either way.

Dr Pepper.  You can’t improve on perfection.

Hormel Chili

Chicken and dumplings

Slim Jims

Red beans and rice

Come to think of it, just rice.

Also red beans.

I will amend that one to “red beans and /or rice”.  That should do it.

I really should trim my nose hair soon, it’s beginning to tickle.

SQUIRREL!!!!

Actually, ranch would probably improve the taste of squirrel. Fried squirrel, anyway.  Not too sure about squirrel stew.

>SLAP<

Sorry about that.  The doctor says the meds should start working any day now.  Back on track.

Grapefruit

Bananas

Fig Newtons

Cheese danish

Beer.  Except possibly for warm Natural Light.  See “rice cake”.

Froot Loops

Gummy bears

I have to stop now, I’m getting hungry.  If anyone wants to argue this point with me, do me a favor first.  Pour yourself a big ole bowl of ranch and dunk your PB&J in it, take a bite, choke it down, and then call me and tell me I was right.  I love feedback.



Things that bug the piss out of me, in no particular order: volume "shit i lost count".

Welfare reform.  If you’re looking for funny, you should probably skip this one.  This will be pretty much pure ranting, with a little raving thrown in for variety.  Let me go ahead and apologize to Jesus and Mom right now, up front.  This will get ugly, and I honestly think Jesus will understand (Mom, I’m not too sure about).  I’m sure He isn’t very happy with these people either, since rather than making the effort to bait a hook, they want an all-access pass to Tony’s Fish Mart and gas money to haul the fish home.

(I know that the “teach a man to fish” quote is not from the Bible.  Save your hate mail.)

And before you point it out, yes, Jesus DID feed the poor.  Loaves and fishes and all that shit.  I have no problem with giving anyone a hand when they fall on hard times.  I have been there, and am very grateful for the help I received. I have no problem helping someone who has made poor choices in the past to make better choices for the future.  God only knows how many poor choices I have made.  (Literally. I lost count long ago.)  I have no problem with helping anyone pay their bills and buy groceries and take care of their kids while they work to better their situation.

Yep, there’s that sticky little phrase that separates me from the left - “while they work to better their situation”.  Not to maintain a poverty-level existence as the status quo, not to get deeper and deeper into the system by being financially rewarded for reproducing, but working to improve their education or skill set so that they can stand on their own, with no help from anyone.

Here’s how I would revamp the welfare system:

Child care- free.  100% free.  As long as you provide proof that you are enrolled in a college, trade school, high school equivalency program – or high school for that matter – and provide proof that you hold at least a part-time job.  The job thing and the school thing, incidentally, are required for everything else that is coming up as well.

Groceries – free.  By groceries, I mean cheese, milk, eggs, bread, vegetables, meat, pasta, etc.  Nothing pre-cooked.  Yes, after going to class and working for a paycheck, you will be tired and may not feel like cooking for your kid.  Tough shit.  You are a PARENT.  It is YOUR responsibility to feed, clothe, and otherwise care for the child.  I will help you to do this, but help does not mean paying for Domino’s pizza for your kid so you can park him in front of the TV while you take bathroom selfies or play Angry Birds on your Obamaphone.  If he’s watching TV, that’s a good time for you to do homework.  Remember homework?  It’s what you were too preoccupied with fucking off (or maybe just fucking) to do in high school, which is 98% of the reason you are in your current situation.

Rent – free.

Medical care – free

Birth control – free.  And mandatory.  All women receiving welfare will make and keep scheduled appointments with their physician to be given contraceptive injections.  Feel free to have all the kids you want, as soon as you can support them on your own.  Nadya Suleman just fucked it up for everyone, didn’t she?

School tuition – free

Public transportation – free

Having trouble understanding the school curriculum? No problem – free tutoring.

I’m sure I didn’t think of everything, but rest assured – if you NEED it, it would be provided under my system.

How will I pay for this exponential increase in the cost of social programs, you may ask?  I am SO glad you did.

First, here’s what you have to do to receive benefits and remain eligible:

If you are convicted of a crime more serious than a traffic ticket while on welfare...  You’re out.  As in kicked out of housing, no more benefits of any kind, you are OUT.  “How will I feed my kid?”  Should have thought about that before deciding to use drugs, drive drunk, mug old ladies on the street, knock over a liquor store, or whatever it was that you were doing besides striving to be a productive member of society.

If you do not have a job - meaning that you are listed on the payroll of a legitimate business and show up to said business at scheduled times to perform labor or other services in exchange for a previously agreed upon rate of pay, and can provide payroll check stubs to corroborate this - OUT.  If you lose your job, you have 30 days to find another one.

If you leave school, voluntarily or otherwise, OUT.  Remember the free tutoring thing?  No excuse for flunking out.

Before you receive your first benefit payment, and at random intervals thereafter until such time as you no longer receive benefits, a caseworker will visit you with no advance warning, accompanied by a phlebotomist, and you will immediately provide a blood specimen for drug testing.  It might be at home, it might be at school, it might be at work.  You test positive, you are done.  No second chance.

The system will not at any time condone or reward non-performance.  Period.  Cut the slackers out of the system and costs go down dramatically.  Pretty clever, eh?

I know this sounds harsh.  It has taken several generations for welfare to get this fucked up.  Why didn’t we make some changes sooner?  They would have been a lot easier to deal with one at a time.  Simple.  Not one single politician has the balls to even suggest any kind of reform, much less see it through.  (There, the gauntlet has been thrown down, you bunch of pork-barreling cunts.  Prove me wrong.)

Second, here’s what happens after you stop receiving benefits:

When you graduate from school and your income increases, your benefits will be reduced accordingly.  ACCORDINGLY, not UNFAIRLY.  You will be weaned from the system, not kicked out of the nest.

All those who worked hard in high school, got good grades, got a few scholarships, worked a part-time job, and took out student loans to pay for a degree – those people have to pay student loans back when they leave school.  Why do I bring that up?  They didn’t get their education for nothing, and you won’t either. Just think of all the benefits you received while completing your education as a student loan.  After your income has increased so that you no longer receive benefits, it is time to get on a payment plan.  Every time you get a raise, your repayment schedule increases by 50% of your pay increase.  If you get a $100/month raise, your payment increases by $50, and so on and so forth.

Also, any tax refunds will go toward the repayment.  Now for the good news… you only pay back 70%.  Think of the other 30% as scholarship money.

This is a LOT fairer system than paying back an actual student loan.  Those people are vicious.

And you know what the best part of it all is?  Your kids will see how hard you worked to give them a better life, and it will make an impression that they will carry with them forever.  That is the best part because as soon as your first kid is born, life stops being about you.  Too many people forget that.

By the way, none of this applies to disabled veterans.  They get an entirely different set of rules, and their rules are as follows:

Thank you for your service to your country.  Your country will now do everything in its power, including medical treatment, therapy, education, and training, to enable you to provide for your family in civilian life, free of charge.  This is all in addition to your disability pension, which will never at any time be decreased, even if you start a business and make more money than Bill Fucking Gates, because you lost part of your body or your health or your mind as a result of your service, and your country owes you for that.  Your sacrifice will always be appreciated by a grateful nation.

End of rules for disabled vets.

Don’t think that’s fair?  Enlist in the military and go get your ass shot off.  Your choice.

The world doesn’t owe you shit.  You owe it to yourself.  You owe it to your kids.

By the way, if you are male, and you have an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend or baby mama or whatever who is trying to raise your kids on welfare while you contribute little or nothing because it would put a dent your lifestyle… die.  If you quit your job so your ex couldn’t collect child support from you, go to the nearest lake and try to snort sand off the bottom.  If, as soon as she told you she was pregnant, you moved to Guadalajara and changed your name to Jose, go out in the street and tell the first cartel member you can find that his mother is a whore and that your name is Agent Jones, US Customs Service.  I really don’t care what method you choose… just fucking DIE.  You are not a man, and don’t deserve the balls God blessed you with.  Nobody will miss you, and it will clear up some air for a real man to breathe.

If you pay child support and she doesn’t let you see the kids… may she die of chronic gonorrhea. That doesn’t absolve you of your obligation to support your offspring, though.

Please don’t bother pointing out to me that there are a lot of generalizations here.  I realize that.  Maybe even a few stereotypes.  And none of them are racist or elitist in nature.  With very few exceptions, everything I have said here is based on shit that I have actually witnessed from some of my own relatives. Yep, every family has ‘em.

That said, I don’t need to hear about how I don’t understand YOUR situation or if I only knew how your eighth cousin Bobbie Jean got screwed by fate when her husband Billy Bob got killed at a tractor pull and she was only 2 credits away from her degree in advanced Mongolian throat singing I wouldn’t be saying this and blah blahblah blahfuckinblah.  If you really must get it off your chest, email it to preparetobeignored@igive2shitsaboutyouropinion.com