People who insist that “Ranch dressing makes everything better”. People actually say this. If you are one of them, please do the world a favor and go eat ranch on rat poison. With your head in the oven. And the gas knob on “lite”. While smoking.
Before you get all huffy with me and dismiss me as a ranch hater, let me clarify; At 9 out of 10 meals, I have a large bottle of Hidden Valley ranch dressing within easy reach. I believe that the person who invented Hidden Valley Ranch dressing has a permanent seat reserved directly between God and Jesus, and that they are all chowing down on various foods slathered liberally with his awesome creation while watching endless Roger Staubach highlight reels, for the rest of eternity. It is that good. It does not, however, make EVERYTHING better.
A short, nowhere near all-encompassing list of things NOT improved by ranch dressing:
Twizzlers
Chocolate cake. Actually, I can think of many kinds of cake, but I am certainly not industrious enough to list them all, so chocolate it is. (Notice how I didn’t just say “cake”? Here’s why. Nothing – and I do mean nothing – could possibly be added to a rice cake that would not improve the flavor. I have thought this out, and considered ranch, hot sauce, A-1 steak sauce, grape jelly, KY jelly, arsenic, cat urine… I can’t think of a single thing that would not improve the taste of the blandest, most unappealing food item ever invented. If you can think of something that would not make a rice cake taste better, you win the prize.)
Dog food. My dog hates her dog food, and will wait until the point of near-starvation to eat it; I added ranch. She still wouldn’t eat it. Being the thorough researcher that I am, I couldn’t take the dog’s actions at face value. What if she just wasn’t hungry at the time, but was thinking, “That is the absolute most delectable thing I have ever smelled, but my stomach has shrunk to the size of a pea due to my hunger strike, so I will be back to eat this very soon when I am hungry or have just licked my butt and need to get the taste out of my mouth”? This took my thoughts in a totally new direction, and I applied ranch to the dog’s butt. She did NOT lick the ranch from her butt; she just looked at me like I had grown two extra heads, which leads me to believe that the dog has no appreciation for my dedication to research. After bathing the dog, to show my appreciation for her efforts in assisting with my research, I added
Dog butt
to the list. I felt like I owed it to her. She hates baths.
Be honest…when I said I couldn’t take the dog’s actions at face value, you thought I was going to say I tried ranch on dog food, didn’t you?
The dog was, apparently, passing judgment on the ranch after all. Dog food is equally nasty either way.
Dr Pepper. You can’t improve on perfection.
Hormel Chili
Chicken and dumplings
Slim Jims
Red beans and rice
Come to think of it, just rice.
Also red beans.
I will amend that one to “red beans and /or rice”. That should do it.
I really should trim my nose hair soon, it’s beginning to tickle.
SQUIRREL!!!!
Actually, ranch would probably improve the taste of squirrel. Fried squirrel, anyway. Not too sure about squirrel stew.
>SLAP<
Sorry about that. The doctor says the meds should start working any day now. Back on track.
Grapefruit
Bananas
Fig Newtons
Cheese danish
Beer. Except possibly for warm Natural Light. See “rice cake”.
Froot Loops
Gummy bears
I have to stop now, I’m getting hungry. If anyone wants to argue this point with me, do me a favor first. Pour yourself a big ole bowl of ranch and dunk your PB&J in it, take a bite, choke it down, and then call me and tell me I was right. I love feedback.
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