I’m a dog
person, but my top 2 choices for the 2016 election are Bill the Cat and Grumpy
Cat. As long as Scooby-Doo gets to be
VP. Just to balance things out. Maybe Barney the Scottish Terrier would be a
better choice. He’s lived in the White
House already. Experience matters.
Westboro
Baptist Church is the Christian version of Al-Qaeda. Crazy assholes who can’t understand what the
Book says. I’m all for re-baptizing them
by waterboard.
Pro-choice
activists’ fuzzy logic puzzles me. It
goes something like this – “I’m so grateful that my mother didn’t kill me as a
fetus, so that I can go out into the world and spread the word that women
should have the right to kill their children”.
You’re shitting me, right?
Bring back
Calvin and Hobbes.
Ever notice
how ugly couples seem to have great-looking kids? I think that when an ugly woman goes to the
hospital to have a baby, the pediatric nurses take her to the nursery and give
her pick of the litter out of pity. For
the record, the Clintons chose poorly.
Chelsea looks like a bowling shoe.
If Arkansians Arkansawyers Arkansasites fuck it people from Arkansas can’t do any
better with a pick than that, it’s a damn good thing Little Rock doesn’t have any
pro sports teams.
Whenever I
go to Taco Bell and I’m in the mood for 3 tacos, I always ask for a quarter
dozen. Hilarity generally ensues.
In 1978, 907
people drank the Kool-Aid at Jonestown, Guyana.
30 years later, over 50% of America did the same thing. I think I’ll
just have a beer.
Every day, I
set a new personal-best record for most consecutive days spent alive.
When “Beavis
and Butt-head” was on TV, I thought it was hilarious. Now that I see it in real life everywhere I
look… not so much.
Have you
ever heard anyone say something so astoundingly retarded that you want to
applaud and congratulate them? Not for
what they said, but for being THAT stupid and still able to successfully find
their way out of bed that day? No? Watch “The View”.
Fuck PETA. If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat.
